People keep sending me the pizza lanyard link/story and, while I appreciate ANY & ALL PIZZA-RELATED NEWS across my desk, the lanyard itself has some serious flaws.

In short: I don’t understand the design. There’s no way a slice of pizza could be that close to my mouth without getting consumed. So, there’d always just be an empty, greasy plastic pouch around my neck. What I require is a Pizza TARDIS that can hold a billion billion slices inside and dispense them to me throughout time and space. I recall many’a frightful occasions in my life when I was PIZZA DEFICIENT and only an inter-dimensional pizza deployment device will resolve this issue.

Pizza T.A.R.D.I.S.